My father died one month ago. This single event has catapulted my emotions, my faith, and my fears into areas I was not expecting or prepared to deal with. My sisters and I, along with my mother, have made many hard decisions over the past few weeks. I know many more will come. One thing his death has caused me to do is think about the final chapter of my life, and eternal realities in general, more. I feel like an unseen layer has been removed, making the distance between the present and eternity much closer.
Strong emotions, for me, have a way of materializing out of thin air. I'll be fine one moment and feel the need to run and hide under my covers the next. The other night I went in the room where my two young boys were sleeping and started to pray over them. Seemingly from out of nowhere, the thought occurred to me that they will one day be planning my funeral and going through the belongings that surround my life.
I won't sugar coat it - I sobbed, my face on the floor, gasping for breath. I was terrified. I did not want my children to have to deal with the same tough issues I was dealing with for my dad. How in the world was I going to shield them from such anguish? Then I felt helpless. I knew I was unable to protect them from the realities of this sinful, fallen world.
I do not have the power to keep all evil at bay from the little souls God has entrusted to my care. He does not ask that of me because it is impossible. What he asks me to do is expose them as much as possible to His love and in child sized doses, to the realities of the world we live in. He also asks me to trust Him with the rest, to let tomorrow worry about itself.
God loves me deeply and passionately. He loves my children deeply and passionately. God has provided me the strength and courage to walk through this tough time in my life with Him. When my children face tough times, God will be there to provide them with the same strength and courage. If he is holding my hand, why should I worry he will let go of theirs when they need Him most?
"The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous,
and his ears are attentive to their cry...
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles."
Psalms 34:15, 17
All knowing Father, I do not know what the future holds for my children. I put their futures into your hands, for they are so much bigger than my own. I trust that you will not let go of them. I recommit myself to showing them your love through the events of our days. Please give me wisdom to know what truths they are ready to be exposed to. Amen.
Here is a song I find myself thinking about a lot as I am going through trials:
"Blessings" by Laura Story