If I Die

The revelation came while I was teaching my husband how to make pear cobbler, one of our favorite desserts. The recipe was partly in a cookbook and partly in my head.

"I can't believe I've never showed you how I make this," I murmured as he measured. In an often hidden corner of my mind, I thought, "At least now he can make it for himself if anything were to happen to me."

If anything were to happen to me. When something happens to you.

Those types of thoughts have been eroding my joy for awhile. The losses over the last year and a half have threatened to swallow me. Dad, Grandma, three teenagers, an infant, and over twenty seniors at the facility where I work have moved beyond the world I know, some to destinations I know not of.

"Why, God? Why this saturation in death? What am I to take away from this shadowed valley?"

The answers are not clear, but ever so quietly I hear, "Immerse yourself in truth and trust."

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, (Psalm 23:4a ESV)

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. (Psalm 20:7 ESV)

I am to trust in the Lord instead of trusting in the false security of loved ones I have in my life. I am to trust in the Lord instead of worrying about events that may not happen anytime soon. I am to trust in the Lord and rest on the promise that he will give me the grace I need to get through trials when they occur. 

I am to trust in the Lord. Period. 

Honestly, some fears were hidden so deep inside, only a stripping to the core could bring them to light. Can I possibly be thankful even for this? 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me.. to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. (Isaiah 61:1-3a NIV)

I am willing to learn all he has to teach me though this season of life. I am not happy about this valley, but I am thankful. He is beside me, showing me more and more truth and a sweet side of him I never knew before.


Lord, I am claiming the beauty you promise to come from these ashes. You use all these situations to draw me closer to your side. The process hurts, but I know you desire even the deepest fears to be nailed to the cross. Thank you for never letting go of my hand. Amen.